The Dating Agent
All the facts you should possess
Are British to the core:
We duffed the Danes", the Scottish thanes,
Showed Germany the door.
We need not look behind the scenes:
We gave the world our Kings and Queens.
Wars were won. We pushed the peace,
Put Africa to bed,
We mauled the micks, hit spics for six,
Because we were well-bred.
We need not learn about the world
Where Union Jacks were always furled.
If you wish to teach a child
Why history's not bunk,
Then demonstrate how, up to date,
Our island's still unsunk.
We have endowed the Planet Earth
Because of course we gave it birth.
We learned our lessons at the knee
Of those we taught to think -
The Asian chaps, whose shifty maps
Were happy in the pink.
Our teachers should instil a pride
That we are on the winning side.
Common sense is what we need
To hammer into youth:
We took the lead, as any breed
Admits is common truth.
The rest is foreign, as we know,
But only since we made it so.
Instil in boys (and girls) the way
Our facts are absolutes:
We beat the Boers, the Zulus, Moors,
The Japanese, the Jutes:
We burned the Catholics as well,
That Anglicans were safe from Hell.
Explain that we discovered what
Is sometimes called Abroad:
The year was Dot when, on the spot,
Our country was adored.
The Angle's right: now, that's the style
Of Shakespeare's noble, septic isle.
,,,,,,,,,,